I'm sure a large number of you out there use or have at least tried internet dating. Either way you would have learnt very quickly that dating sites could serve as a public health warning regarding a little epidemic I like to call Batshit Fucking Crazy!
Unfortunately this illness does not discriminate. It can strike any age and gender. However, men will tell you that woman are affected more by this disorder but I would like to contest this claim with Exhibit A: The Impregnator.
Usually on these sites men like to be very original in how they make contact (sarcasm). There's the delightful first email with the "lets shag" request. Then there is the surprise attack dick pic which is obviously designed to make your day more fulfilled (eye roll). Its fair to say I've had a decent amount of interesting experiences on dating sites and have dealt with varying degrees of BFC. But my latest experience takes the award for Ultimate BFC Champion.
I received an email several days ago from a young chap who was based in Christchurch. Now for those of you that are non New Zealanders that's quite a distance from where I live in Kapiti. You'd either have to take a plane or a 3 hour ferry ride plus a 4 hour drive. Anyway I'm sure you get the drift.
So we email back and forth a few times and the conversation is completely normal. There was nothing alerting my female spidey senses that this could be a class A weirdo who wants to steal your children and sacrifice them to the god of custard squares or some crazy shit. But my perception of this guy changed with one simple question.....Do you want kids?
A simple question for most and one that I've asked in order to determine if its worthwhile going any further in a relationship but usually that comes down the track. My response was pretty straight forward that yes I'd like kids if the universe decides to play along. I'm old enough to realise that nothing is ever promised and I'm a realist.
His next question was how soon did I want kids...again whenever it happens. I forgot to pick up a crystal ball at the last witches yard sale so I can't really put a date on it. AND this is where it reeeeeaaally started to get a little bit fubar.
Apparently he was not a patient man when it came to procreating and expressed his need to start attempting to sire his offspring within the next month. Now I was never a fan of geography at school but even I could see how the logistics of distance could hinder the process of procreation. And I was pretty certain his wanger wasn't going to reach that far and risk putting Ron Jeremy out of business.
I went on to point out the fact that we were so far away from each other to which he responded that if I fell pregnant he would move up here (cue creepy potential bunny boiler music). Call me crazy but in a perfect world I'd like to know my future baby daddy a bit better than "Hi my names Dave...Can I knock you up?" I did mention this concern with him and apparently it would be fine because he would get to know me when he came to scans for the baby........(cue crickets)
It was at this moment that I had to check my back to see if anyone had placed a sticker on it advertising my baby making bits as a rent a space. Like he was going to use my womb to host his spawn and in 9 months time we'd reenact the scene from Alien except it will be a baby exploding from my uterus howling like a miniature banshee.
I politely went on to decline the offer and ended the conversation. But now I am left wondering if there are any women out there that would take him up on his generous offer of impregnation. For every BFC male there has to be his perfect BFC female counterpart....right?
God help the world if there is!
Until next time xo
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Tuesday, 15 March 2016
All The Single Ladies...
Why is it women seem to be the ones given the hardest time when it comes to dating, being single and sex?
If you're a single woman you are constantly told by a variety of people that you better hurry up and reproduce because the clock is ticking. Really? You don't think I can't already here the loud clanging (not ticking) of my ovaries as they screech at me with one of those raspy horror type voices "Fertilise Me!!!!"
The only person that ever gives a man a hard time about reproducing is his Mother.
If you're a single woman who is in complete touch with her sexual needs and happens to have had quite a few sexual partners then you are considered a McSlutty Hoepants. You are unclean. You are disgusting. And you should probably be taken out back and stoned to death just like they did in the good old days of the old testament.
If you're a guy however who has screwed around a lot you are a legend among your fellow men. You are patted on the back. Libations of beer are practically thrown in your direction as if it is an offering to the sex god, in hopes that they too will become a Male lothario.
Why in 2016 are there still these ridiculous double standards?!
Another one that I get quite often is "You're really pretty and seem nice. Why don't you have a boyfriend/husband/partner". What amuses me is that usually this question comes from guys who have an interest in pursuing me. Like they are low key trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me and which parts of me are so badly broken no man wants me. Like I have no idea this is what they are trying to establish because I'm a silly brainless female la la la la la.
"Well I don't know Steve, maybe its because I keep ending up talking to arseholes like you. That may just be the reason I'm single. Because you and your man buddies are just a bunch of wankers who don't have a clue how to treat a woman".
And finally my personal favourite "How long do you plan to be single for?" (cue cricket noises).
Plan...to...be...single...for....Well gee golly I was thinking of a ballpark figure of 1 year 3 months 16 hours 33 minutes and 10 seconds give or take.
I was not aware that I'd planned to be single when I entered into my last relationship. I was not aware that I was dating a man that couldn't keep it in his pants.
No one plans to be single. No one puts a time limit on it. So please stop trying to put the responsibility of successful relationships on the shoulders of Women!
Until next time xo
Friday, 11 March 2016
It's Them....Not Us
I'm one of those people that ponders a lot about things. I over analyse everything, even things that happened months or years ago. I go over and over things trying to figure them out driving myself crazy. Basically I'm a woman.
Its just what we do. The mind of a woman never shuts off. While men are sitting there watching TV mindlessly scratching themselves, they literally are thinking about nothing. They may be thinking how nice it is to relieve their itchy balls with a hearty scratch, but that's about it. Meanwhile we are mentally making lists, reliving moments, regretting moments, remembering things we forgot to do....and on and on it goes.
This is the specific reason we can remember the exact time and date that a man said or did something that was unacceptable to us. Men often joke about our ability to do this and often times refer to us as crazy for our reactions to things they do. We have this almost super human ability to know when something is up or they are up to no good. When we call them on this, once again we are insane.
I've spent many years thinking it was me, that I was the problem, that I was indeed insane and over reacting to things. But the bottom line is if men didn't act like such dicks at times, we wouldn't react the way that we do. It comes down to simple physics....for every action there is a reaction be it negative or positive.
According to relationship guru's we shouldn't "nag" men about the problems we have with their behaviour at times. We should just shut up, be good little woman and treat our men like kings in order to stroke their fragile egos. As far as I'm concerned this is just allowing ourselves to be walked over and mistreated. If a man wants to be treated like a King then he needs to treat his woman like a Queen.
One prime example of this was with my ex husband. First let me start by saying that I know I was by no means the perfect wife. I made mistakes, I'm human. However, I did try the best I could. It got to a point in our relationship where I just knew something wasn't right. Things felt off and I could feel that he was distancing himself from me. When I first confronted him with my concerns I was told that I was imagining things and over reacting. When I relayed my concerns again he told me all the things I was doing in our relationship that I needed to change in order for the marriage to work. One of which was unlike all his workmates wives I didn't make him packed lunches for work. Really? Yes amazingly that was one of his main concerns.
I can laugh about it now, because with time and age I have realised just how full of shite he was. These were just stalling tactics and a way to make me feel like the failure of our marriage was my fault. So I started making him packed lunches and working on all the other things he said I needed to do. I attempted to become Super Wife in order to fix our marriage and make things work. I changed for the better.
The next thing I know he's running off with some other woman who to be honest looked like the back end of sasquatch and I'm left blaming myself for the end of our relationship. I spent so long thinking it was all my fault, that I'd driven him away by being a bad wife. He had successfully shifted the blame to me in order to relieve himself of his guilt that he was unfaithful (Which I found out he was, several times). He had justified his actions by making me the problem.
What I've learnt from this experience is that its not me, its not us, its them! No matter what we do in a relationship or if we change to make things better because they have made us feel like its our fault; if they don't want to be with us anymore then they are going to leave anyway. They are going to put everything on us so they can condone their actions and release themselves from the relationship guilt free.
Unfortunately the world is littered with selfish twats, this is why I believe most relationships fail. Because people are too selfish and focused on what they can get out of the relationship rather than thinking about the other person. When they stop getting what they need they pull the escape hatch and bail. This is not love!
Also let me make this clear I'm not just blaming men because I know there are plenty of women out there that are selfish and treat men like chewing gum stuck to their shoe. But as I am a woman who has relationships with men, my experience is with men. No matter who you are in a relationship with, be it man or woman, if they are playing the blame game and not putting in as much effort as you and making you feel like its all your fault, they are an arsehole. Its that simple!
A relationship is not just one person, its two. And both of you need to put in the miles to make it work. If you change to make a relationship work and they still leave, please do not blame yourself. Don't sit there day after day going over everything in your head trying to figure it all out. Don't get lost in that overwhelming female brain of yours and drive yourself to the brink of insanity reliving it all. Because at the end of the day in a situation like this, It's Them...Not Us.
Until Next Time xo
Its just what we do. The mind of a woman never shuts off. While men are sitting there watching TV mindlessly scratching themselves, they literally are thinking about nothing. They may be thinking how nice it is to relieve their itchy balls with a hearty scratch, but that's about it. Meanwhile we are mentally making lists, reliving moments, regretting moments, remembering things we forgot to do....and on and on it goes.
This is the specific reason we can remember the exact time and date that a man said or did something that was unacceptable to us. Men often joke about our ability to do this and often times refer to us as crazy for our reactions to things they do. We have this almost super human ability to know when something is up or they are up to no good. When we call them on this, once again we are insane.
I've spent many years thinking it was me, that I was the problem, that I was indeed insane and over reacting to things. But the bottom line is if men didn't act like such dicks at times, we wouldn't react the way that we do. It comes down to simple physics....for every action there is a reaction be it negative or positive.
According to relationship guru's we shouldn't "nag" men about the problems we have with their behaviour at times. We should just shut up, be good little woman and treat our men like kings in order to stroke their fragile egos. As far as I'm concerned this is just allowing ourselves to be walked over and mistreated. If a man wants to be treated like a King then he needs to treat his woman like a Queen.
One prime example of this was with my ex husband. First let me start by saying that I know I was by no means the perfect wife. I made mistakes, I'm human. However, I did try the best I could. It got to a point in our relationship where I just knew something wasn't right. Things felt off and I could feel that he was distancing himself from me. When I first confronted him with my concerns I was told that I was imagining things and over reacting. When I relayed my concerns again he told me all the things I was doing in our relationship that I needed to change in order for the marriage to work. One of which was unlike all his workmates wives I didn't make him packed lunches for work. Really? Yes amazingly that was one of his main concerns.
I can laugh about it now, because with time and age I have realised just how full of shite he was. These were just stalling tactics and a way to make me feel like the failure of our marriage was my fault. So I started making him packed lunches and working on all the other things he said I needed to do. I attempted to become Super Wife in order to fix our marriage and make things work. I changed for the better.
The next thing I know he's running off with some other woman who to be honest looked like the back end of sasquatch and I'm left blaming myself for the end of our relationship. I spent so long thinking it was all my fault, that I'd driven him away by being a bad wife. He had successfully shifted the blame to me in order to relieve himself of his guilt that he was unfaithful (Which I found out he was, several times). He had justified his actions by making me the problem.
What I've learnt from this experience is that its not me, its not us, its them! No matter what we do in a relationship or if we change to make things better because they have made us feel like its our fault; if they don't want to be with us anymore then they are going to leave anyway. They are going to put everything on us so they can condone their actions and release themselves from the relationship guilt free.
Unfortunately the world is littered with selfish twats, this is why I believe most relationships fail. Because people are too selfish and focused on what they can get out of the relationship rather than thinking about the other person. When they stop getting what they need they pull the escape hatch and bail. This is not love!
Also let me make this clear I'm not just blaming men because I know there are plenty of women out there that are selfish and treat men like chewing gum stuck to their shoe. But as I am a woman who has relationships with men, my experience is with men. No matter who you are in a relationship with, be it man or woman, if they are playing the blame game and not putting in as much effort as you and making you feel like its all your fault, they are an arsehole. Its that simple!
A relationship is not just one person, its two. And both of you need to put in the miles to make it work. If you change to make a relationship work and they still leave, please do not blame yourself. Don't sit there day after day going over everything in your head trying to figure it all out. Don't get lost in that overwhelming female brain of yours and drive yourself to the brink of insanity reliving it all. Because at the end of the day in a situation like this, It's Them...Not Us.
Until Next Time xo
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Disney Is Right? The R18 Version
As I sit here writing this I think to myself am I aiming to be the next Carrie Bradshaw? Do I aspire to be taken seriously in my ramblings? I mean who am I kidding, she had a killer wardrobe and one hell of a social life. She dated a string of gorgeous men. Had a lot of both bad and amazing sex. Who can't relate to that?
Truth be told I can only relate to the bad and amazing sex part over the years. But yes I would love to be New Zealand's answer to Carrie Bradshaw. Writing is one of my passions and they say you should write what you know. So here I am, writing about something I'm by no means an expert in but I'm definitely experienced in. And what I do know is that Disney got one thing right out of all of those fairy tales......You do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince! Except we all know it goes beyond the art of kissing.
Over the years I've read all those self help books about relationships and how to land (or in some cases trap) the man of your dreams. And for the majority of them...I call Bullshit!
My favourite of all time was the one that told me giving up my girlie goodies on the first date was not a good idea because it set the tone that you were easy and just out for sex and that's exactly what men will use you for. I have several counter arguments to this theory that I would like to present now.
First of all, lets be honest sometimes at the end of a first date often you can see there is no long term potential there, but that doesn't mean your not up for taking that little stallion out for a trot or two round the track. Since when did women stop having needs and desires? Because we are women we should hold our legs tightly shut until prince charming finally comes along and blows the cobwebs aside? I think not!
Secondly, what happens if he's a dud? You know the guy I mean. The one that ticks all the boxes in every other way, but you get him in the sack and its the biggest disappointment. Like when the bad mean man stole all your candy.
Now, a lot of people would say that you can train him, make him better. But who really has the time or energy to do that. And you can't train a guy who is hung like a church mouse. There is no coming back from that. And let me tell you ladies, if you haven't already had the misfortune of experiencing this one for yourself, there is nothing more depressing than getting a decent guy home, getting his pants off and discovering that bad boy isn't going to touch the sides.
So my rather long point to that argument is why would you want to wait for 6 dates before you sleep with a guy? Why build up all that anticipation? Why start to like a guy only to discover that he is completely incompatible sexually? Try before you buy!
But wait ladies....there is more. My third and final argument is this. The experts say don't give up the goodies on the first date because then the guy will just use you for sex. In my experience, if a guy is just going to use you for sex then that is exactly what he will do. It doesn't matter how long you wait to offer him a stroll in your lady garden!
If a guy likes you and is interested in you and wants to date you....he will! Its that simple. If you are a demon in the sack then that is just the icing on the cake for him.
Stop reading those relationship help books, they aren't going to help you bag Mr Wonderful. Because Mr Wonderful is either going to like you and make you his person, or he isn't. And if while your waiting for him that means you have to keep "kissing" frogs then enjoy the ride and embrace yourself and anyone else you fancy embracing!
Until next time xo
Truth be told I can only relate to the bad and amazing sex part over the years. But yes I would love to be New Zealand's answer to Carrie Bradshaw. Writing is one of my passions and they say you should write what you know. So here I am, writing about something I'm by no means an expert in but I'm definitely experienced in. And what I do know is that Disney got one thing right out of all of those fairy tales......You do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince! Except we all know it goes beyond the art of kissing.
Over the years I've read all those self help books about relationships and how to land (or in some cases trap) the man of your dreams. And for the majority of them...I call Bullshit!
My favourite of all time was the one that told me giving up my girlie goodies on the first date was not a good idea because it set the tone that you were easy and just out for sex and that's exactly what men will use you for. I have several counter arguments to this theory that I would like to present now.
First of all, lets be honest sometimes at the end of a first date often you can see there is no long term potential there, but that doesn't mean your not up for taking that little stallion out for a trot or two round the track. Since when did women stop having needs and desires? Because we are women we should hold our legs tightly shut until prince charming finally comes along and blows the cobwebs aside? I think not!
Secondly, what happens if he's a dud? You know the guy I mean. The one that ticks all the boxes in every other way, but you get him in the sack and its the biggest disappointment. Like when the bad mean man stole all your candy.
Now, a lot of people would say that you can train him, make him better. But who really has the time or energy to do that. And you can't train a guy who is hung like a church mouse. There is no coming back from that. And let me tell you ladies, if you haven't already had the misfortune of experiencing this one for yourself, there is nothing more depressing than getting a decent guy home, getting his pants off and discovering that bad boy isn't going to touch the sides.
So my rather long point to that argument is why would you want to wait for 6 dates before you sleep with a guy? Why build up all that anticipation? Why start to like a guy only to discover that he is completely incompatible sexually? Try before you buy!
But wait ladies....there is more. My third and final argument is this. The experts say don't give up the goodies on the first date because then the guy will just use you for sex. In my experience, if a guy is just going to use you for sex then that is exactly what he will do. It doesn't matter how long you wait to offer him a stroll in your lady garden!
If a guy likes you and is interested in you and wants to date you....he will! Its that simple. If you are a demon in the sack then that is just the icing on the cake for him.
Stop reading those relationship help books, they aren't going to help you bag Mr Wonderful. Because Mr Wonderful is either going to like you and make you his person, or he isn't. And if while your waiting for him that means you have to keep "kissing" frogs then enjoy the ride and embrace yourself and anyone else you fancy embracing!
Until next time xo
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
The First Step Towards Cat Lady
How does a 37 year old intelligent woman with a glowing personality end up on the path to Cat Lady? It's not something you just wake up and decide one day that your life ambition is to be forever alone and the owner of 52 cats.
Its something that starts years before you even get to that point. One moment you're living your happily ever after and the next your a relationship disaster, crying into your drink knowing that your future involves probably being smothered to death by your feline fur family.
That's the condensed version, and I'm sure many of you are reading this and understand exactly what I'm talking about. Right now you are looking back on your relationship history pondering, finding that exact moment where the cat poop hit the fan and came crashing down on future hopes and dreams.
So what was my exact moment? It was the moment that I realised I had married an A grade Gonif. Don't know what I'm talking about. Google it and imagine saying it like your Fran Dreschers mother.
I digress though. What I'm trying to say is that I wish I'd listened to my Nana who said "don't do it" when I got engaged at 18 and then married at 20. That would have saved me the future issue of having to deal with a philandering husband who ended up running off with another woman.
That's it. That's the moment where it all changed. After that I ended up dating a string of wrong men intent on the fact that if I found someone to love me I would love myself. One disastrous relationship after another up until this point.
Now I find myself not getting into relationships for the wrong reason and truly wanting a lasting relationship with someone who can be my person....But do you think I can find him!
I often watched Sex and the City and thought to myself it can't possibly be that bad out there. But guess what I've discovered. It Is That Bad!!
So what's a woman to do?
Well she must write about it of course. She must share her wisdom and mishaps with the rest of the world. Women can read and not feel so alone in this deep sea of strangeness that is the dating world. And well everyone else can just laugh at me.
And with that the blog is born!
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